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“I just finished Moondance and I felt I had to write to tell you how much I loved it. I haven't been able to put it down and felt it totally resonate for me...”– Lynne Franks
“Karen, it's Dee, I had to call and tell you that I've just read the first 119 pages of your book and oh my God it's absolutely incredible... I don't want to put it down, it's your fault. Congratulations, I can't wait for the next page.”– Dee Miller
Director, Renewed Strength
Getting over heartbreak is so hard! Break-ups rip us open — there's no other way to say it. It's a death of sorts. That of the relationship, the image of how we see ourselves, and temporarily, the death of hope for the future. Heartbroken really, really hurts. Believe me, I've been there.
So how to get over heartbreak? Some folks skip getting over heartbreak, and dive right into another relationship to avoid suffering. Others act out — a.k.a. frickin' their way to mental health. That's a deliberate typo. ☺ Yet the sad truth is, if when heartbroken, we rush and avoid, we'll not only sacrifice our health, but we'll likely attract the same situation again. Or worse.
Why? Because all of those feelings, beliefs, patterns, decisions and behaviours that made us “us” — energetically and emotionally — stay the same. Therefore, we'll continue to attract similar things.
So! If you're currently getting over heartbreak, here are some ideas and resources that worked for me when I found myself heartbroken. Not only will they help you feel better — but you'll grow and change your energy in the process.
Have you heard of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross? In the 60's, she proposed stages of grief around death and dying. I've modified them a tad, for those who are getting over heartbreak.
Consider these the stages which will help you fully process the turmoil inside you and transform Heartbroken — into a shining new space that will attract your real soulmate.
When getting over heartbreak, we experience these stages more or less in order, though we do shuffle back and forth a bit, too.
Denial is a coping mechanism. It might be a feeling of shock, or a feeling of euphoria, depending on your situation. When it comes to getting over heartbreak, both are forms of avoidance. We haven't yet grounded our heartbroken experience in real life.
In the second stage, we get pissed off, usually because it feels a heck of alot better than being sad. We may swear off relationships and honestly, we may be a bit of a drag to be around. Some folks may also act out by dating compulsively — ick. Yes, anger is necessary to name and process... but woah. Not a good place to hang out for long, if you're interested in getting over heartbreak long-term.
The third stage of getting over heartbreak, involves our wistful hope of return and desire to do anything to make it happen. Sometimes there's a real opportunity for reconciliation at this stage. Other times, times, the ‘negotiation’ is made with a higher power. This is another way of us spinning in circles, doing everything to (understandably!) avoid the next stage.
In this stage of getting over heartbreak, reality sinks in and sadness wells up. Heartbroken, we may shun others, taking time to cry, or we may need to talk. This is what we've been running from... the pain. Yet it's so important to honour. For if we don't... the energy of our grief gets lodged in our cells, instead of processed through them. A homeopathic remedy. I personally use which dissolves emotional issues on a cellular level
In this last stage of getting over heartbreak, the depression lifts and we come to terms with the end of the relationship and our new reality. We actively emerge from Heartbroken, to embrace our new beginning, free to make new choices in life... and in love.
Here are the things that worked for me when getting over heartbreak. Be gentle with yourself. It takes time. Also — know that I'm not a mental health professional — these are the things that have worked for me personally.
Hang in there! It takes some time getting over heartbreak. You want the feelings to move through, not lodge in your body, so for two weeks, let it all out. Get selfish. Talk if you're a talker. Take time to yourself, if you're not. Play music that makes you cry — and cry hard! Rent soppy movies. Read heartbreak stories. Radically self-nurture. After two weeks, you're going to feel better. Then, so you don't lose your friends, ease up. ☺ Repeat the rest as needed.
It's natural to be angry as you're getting over heartbreak. For your health, it's critical that you process it rather than have it settle into a future heart attack. Express it by working out, punching a pillow or taking up boxing at the gym. Play loud, angry music. Scream alone in your car. Write an angry letter (don't send it). Can you guess what you shouldn't do when heartbroken? Scream at someone else. Use email as a weapon. Destroy property. Hit anything alive. Employ revenge tactics... no matter how juicy. It's not cool... and not good for you long-term. But I bet you knew that. ☺
Get clear about what went wrong so you don't have to repeat it. Feeling brave? Ask yourself ‘Why did I create this relationship?’ For even if you just broke up with someone who was into bad behaviour — it was you, who chose 'im (or 'er). More than once...
Not only to date, but to sleep with, move in with, marry, have children with, all of it. Your relationship wasn't one decision on your part, it was thousands of decisions. While getting over heartbreak, what you want to know is: why did you make the choices you did? And — what do you need to do to confidently make new choices and repel that type of energy in the future? Forgiving infidelity
I say these things without judgement — I've been heartbroken and have chosen a few loo-loos myself. Not bad people — just bad people for me. Today, I know why and I'm sharing what I learned on this site.
I accountably accept responsibility for all of my choices in life, because however difficult, it's more empowering than being a victim. Long term — you will feel better about yourself and more confident if you take this approach, too. And — especially because I know it's so hard getting over heartbreak — I want you to feel confident and empowered.
The first time I asked for help to heal heartbreak, it was a humungus deal! I was used to handling everything myself. But the fact is, we're not taught ‘getting over heartbreak’ in school. And! It's not fair to over-burden our friends who may love us too much to tell us the truth. Asking for help when heartbroken is not a sign of weakness — quite the opposite: it's an act of courage. Help for you might be in the form of counseling, coaching or a good therapist or personal development retreat. Or — it might be self-motivated through reading. Some resources below.
You're through the worst of it. Now, what about the rest of your life: Who are you? What's important to you? Why? What do you believe about the world? What's your purpose in this life? Why is this important? Because the more we understand ourselves, the happier we'll be whatever our circumstances. And! Because we meet our soulmates on our soul path.
Committed to moving on? This is me grinning! My friend Barbara Densmore is a professional celebrant, and fellow Canadian. I helped edit her site on celebrancy and found myself in tears more than once reading what she does for her clients. A transition ceremony is a beautiful idea to consider when getting over heartbreak, and more affordable than you might think.
Conversations with God — Book I by Neale Donale Walsch
A non-dogmatic look at questions we all have about ‘God’ (insert your own word). Great if you're getting over heartbreak as it has a surprising description of the purpose of relationship in our lives, which I've found quite healing. Dig deeper into his work and you'll find some luvly wedding vows as well, based on the CWG philosophy.
Moondance by Karen M. Black
Can getting over heartbreak be fun? Well, not really, but being swept away for a few days by heartbreak stories chock full of stuff you deeply connect with is always a good thing. Moondance is addictive fiction about life, love and the nature of reality. Written by yours truly — when I was seriously heartbroken. Reviews from folks like you
If I'm so wonderful, why am I still single? by Susan Page
Brutal title, huh? But some good advice without the woo-woo. While a tad conservative, this book is clear-eyed and helpful when getting over heartbreak and preparing for true love. It has a nice section on ambivalence, which I believe can block attracting a soulmate. Plus other practical strategies aimed at changing your love life.
Woo hoo! Look at you go...
The Relationship Catalyst — Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have created this wonderful program to help singles (and couples) create a conscious, loving relationship. They also offer a community for conscious living and loving, helping people create more love, abundance and vibrant wellness in their lives.
When will I find love? – Have you ever hired a psychic to answer this? Beware! What to consider asking instead
Do soulmates exist? – I believe that they do. In fact, there's a way to transform a karmic relationship into a soulmated one.
Who is my soulmate? – Your soulmate is one who resonates with you. Here's what I mean by this...
Where is my soulmate? – Why is it taking so long? Bet your soul's answering. Are you listening?